To be Forgiven

How do you return to a life? I mean, one that isn’t your own, but that of a person you love, whom you’ve been forced to leave, either due to your own mistakes or the circumstances you lived through at some point. Or both, why not?

I often find myself thinking of this because, well, it’s been about 6 years since I’ve seen my son, so I wonder if he’ll find it in himself to forgive me at some point; and even if he does, will he be curious enough about who I am to let me be around, if only for a little while?

Maybe, maybe not. I can’t tell the future, nor predict the kind of person he has and will become in the following years. What matters, then, is what I can do to improve my chances of success in this reconciliation.

It may sound manipulative, and that’s perhaps due to the fact that I am, in fact, of a manipulative nature. I say this because it’s not within my intentions to have you pity me. I’ve done the things I’ve done, and said what I said; all of that’s the reason I need to be forgiven in the first place. I’m no innocent victim of the circumstances, but I like to think that I’m not that rotten of an apple to just be tossed away and forgotten.

So, how does one go about getting forgiven, and let back in to another person’s life?

I’m so glad you asked, friend. Here, have a seat, for the word I’m about to offer may confuse you, being the arrogant jackass you’ve been all your life.

Ready?

You sure?

Okay, here it goes.

The word is HUMILITY.

Yes, humility.

You’ve heard of it, and I’m sure at times you’ve convinced yourself of having practiced it in important moments of your life, particularly those related to recognizing your own mistakes. But tell me, and please be honest, did you really own up to the things you did those times, or did you just want the nagging to stop?

Maybe you’ll say that ‘of course you were being sincere’, but let’s not forget that everyone is a master at bullshitting themselves, so please, try not to be hasty here, and take a moment to humor me. Please?

Good.

Let’s take one step at a time, and begin by taking a look at the word: Humility. What is it? Well, according to the Random House Unabridged Dictionary of American English, it is a ‘modest opinion or estimate of one’s own importance, rank, etcetera’.

This is fine, but I think it’s so much more than just that, because a definition so austere leaves much room unexplored, and open to interpretation. For example, one could say, certainly in modesty, that a President is much more important than any average citizen, based only on their rank within a political structure. But that doesn’t mean they’re a nice person or otherwise; it doesn’t actually mean that their life has more value than anyone else’s.

You could be President and still be a humble person. You could live in the slums and be terribly arrogant. At its core, humility has nothing to do with social status, the accumulation of wealth, power, or any other such thing.

Now, let’s look at Merriam-Webster’s definition: ‘Freedom from pride or arrogance’. I really like this one; it sounds so much better, more chivalrous and romantic. Still, it’s far too open to interpretation, for in this case we would have to ponder about the meaning of pride and arrogance.

So, let’s step off the concrete, shall we? Come with me into the dirt roads of personal experience, and listen to a bit of a story.

A hefty number of years ago, I had to move back to my mother’s place because I was completely broke. There was not enough room for me since I had lived away for years, so my choices for accommodations were limited.

Mom, having been a teacher for over 30 years, had an archive room where she kept, well, whatever she had chosen to keep from those three decades, along with a few shelves filled with books older than I am.

That’s where I slept, using a few blankets to avoid laying right on the floor.

It really wasn’t such a terrible deal, mostly because I didn’t have to pay rent for the time being. Still, it wasn’t great, and definitely not where I imagined myself at that point in my life.

There was this night, maybe a month after the first I spent there, when I couldn’t sleep so I just stared at the ceiling—it was some light shade of blue— and soon came to me what would become one of the most important realizations in my life:

I’m an asshole. I thought abruptly. I’m an asshole and I’ve brought all of this upon myself.

There I was, the Golden Boy from childhood to twenty-something; sleeping on the floor, in the archive room in my mother’s house; completely broke, jobless, away from my only son, and desperately heart-broken.

Now, I could have gotten angry, it surely would have been easy finding someone to take the blame for me, but that wouldn’t solve anything, so I had to turn to myself and take a deeper look.

Fortunately, I didn’t need to dig much longer, for the writing was on the wall—or the ceiling, if you please—I was at the bottom, I couldn’t go any lower; even living in the streets would have been more dignified.

But that was not all, for the process needed to continue if I was going to find a way out of the pit of desperation I had thrown myself into.

Realizing how much wrong you’ve done, and accepting it, are only the first steps to return, but one must be careful to recognize the traps laid by one’s own mind, since this could quickly turn into victimization by self-flagellation.

As we say in my hometown: No lo haga, compa (Don’t do it, buddy).

The next step is recognizing how you can actually turn things around. Perhaps you can’t change yourself—I mean, I’m still that same asshole, I just try to do better by me and mine—but you can change the way you do things, change your goals, and the focus of your actions.

I’m an asshole, but I can do better.

That’s the conclusion I got to, so from the next morning on, I chose to make an effort, to rebuild my life from the ground up, pun intended.

So, how does one go about being forgiven and let back in to someone’s life? Start by seeing yourself through humility. Accept who you are without remorse; don’t try and justify yourself, there’s no need because you are who you are, and you couldn’t be anybody else, no matter how hard you tried.

Once you reach unconditional acceptance, look at your current situation. You can’t change yourself, but you can change how and why you do things, and that’s all anyone can ask of themselves and others.

Maybe you won’t be better, but you’ll do better, and that’s enough to effect change in your life, even if it’s subtle at first.

Then it will be time to face them. Don’t try and force this to happen, that would be a terrible mistake. Sure, you should hint and even state clearly that you want to be given a chance, but remember you put them in a position where they have the last word, and you must respect whatever choice they make.

All you can do is hope that they’ll find it in themselves to forgive you, to actually face you, because they’ll have to go through their own process to meet you halfway.

If they do, listen. This person will probably have a lot to say, or a little, but what matters is that you actually pay attention, and let them express whatever feelings they have. Wounds won’t truly heal unless they’re cleaned beforehand.

If it all goes well, you’ll be given the chance to earn a place back in their life, and that’s great, but try and be careful; appreciate how much love it took for them to forgive you, and respond in kind.

Anytime you’re unsure of your own actions and intentions, stop for a few minutes, and look at them through the lens of humility; you’ll find your answers, I’m certain.

With a lot of dedication, awareness, love, and a little luck, things will be fine from then on.

Now, please don’t ask for a guarantee, for people are much more complicated than anyone can express in any number of words, but what else are you going to do, stay there and wallow in the misery you provoked? Come on, you’re better than that, we both know it.

What I will offer is a consideration on the alternative scenario, because not all apologies end in forgiveness.

Should the worst happen, and this person is unwilling or unable to let you back in, please look at your own path, see how far you’ve come and how, in spite of whatever reality you’ve experienced, you actually have effected change in your life.

You may still be an asshole, but you’re doing better, and that in itself is cause for celebration.

Let your acceptance of yourself be unrelenting, free of cynicism, arrogance, and self-hatred.

That will allow you to forgive yourself, if you hadn’t already.

That will allow you to heal.

That, friend, will allow you to love.